This I know: my life is in your hands. I breathe because you breathe into me. My heart beats because you sustain it.
I want to want whatever you have for me. Whatever that is will be best even if it is not my safety or comfort. You are best. The cross is best. The resurrection is best.
That includes whichever babies you want me to have or not have.
Bring to me your blessings, Lord, and I will endeavor to embrace them with my whole heart. Whether beauty or pain, ease or distress, perplexity or clarity. I will desire to embrace it with all I have, for your sake, your glory, your fruit.
You know, of course, I am human, prone to weariness and wandering and poor discernment. I will fail in this endeavor. I cannot consistently overcome. Yet it is my longing.
I will struggle. This alone I can promise. Work in me your salvation and life production and I will struggle to stay with you and not against you as you work.
Bring it, Lord. Here I am, send me, make me, mold me, use me, raise me, love me, crucify me. Make me yours and give me whatever I need to produce what you need.
This is my longing . . . in ignorance and blindness, and folly, and insufficiency.
I am nothing without you! Give me what I need to be what you need. I will be satisfied to serve you with all that I have and to return to you what you’ve given with hope it is multiplied a hundred-fold.
You see my heart and know if I am true. I do not.
Help me, Lord, to live from my desire and not from my fear. In fear all of this is an empty promise, a prayer of vanity.