thanking God for french fries

Two, cold and lonely french fries discovered lying on the front passenger seat of my car as I left for work at 6:33am were clear evidence of late-night revelry that a few hours of sleep could not erase.

Compelled by a need to get internet-based chores completed, and a strong desire to avoid the reality-TV nonsense Hannah and Renee were watching, I invited Will out for coffee at 9:30 on a Tuesday night and encouraged him to bring a book so I could avoid guilt while focusing on my tasks.

The wireless access at Starbuck’s was sketchy, though, and Will’s book wasn’t holding his interest, so all we accomplished was ordering the skateboarding DVD he had been coveting, watching a couple of skate videos, checking my email, and swallowing one tall americano with cream and one ice water, while struggling to ignore the conversations of a room full of boisterous college students.

When the cups were empty and the wireless access issues became overbearing, I gave up on internet chores, and we looked for something more inviting.

Conclusion:  french fries (with kudos to Will for the recommendation).

Quality french fries are scarce in Greeley after 11pm, and we struggled to discern the best source to satisfy our cravings.  So, we decided unanimously to do a world (that is, Greeley) tour of late night french fry purveyors in a self-sacrificing effort to determine the best of the best, and put to rest, once and for all, the question begged by many a generation of french fry consumers.

Although the guy in the McDonald’s drive-thru window suggested Weinherschnitzel, Good Times, and In-n-Out, as solid competitors, sadly, none of those are available in Greeley.  In fact, our only choices for drive-thru satisfaction were McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Burger King.

Culver’s, Dairy Queen, Sonic, Carl’s Jr., Del Taco, and Tacos Rapidos, our other Greeley options, have not made the late night purveyance of such vital victuals a priority, and as such, forfeited the competition to their worthy competitors.

So, dear Reader, you may finally rest your weary soul, assured that Will and I have taken the hit for you and relieved you of the need to expend effort to answer this nagging question.

Furthermore, you should know, we kept the competition pure by consuming naked, condiment-free french fries; we ate what we were served.

Without further ado, the results:

3.  McDonald’s – the favorite in the polls was a disappointing late-night experience with too little salt and too much greasy sogginess.  (However, the plain double cheeseburger we split for dessert was a tasty hit!)

2.  Wendy’s – although favored for their robust size, these spuds require significant salt to withstand the competition, and the sodium was seriously lacking in the au natural form.

1.  Burger King – the underdog came through to win the competition with the right balance of grease, salt and crispiness, not to mention, they were the first fries we tried.

There you have it.  Next time you’re out for a late-night, gut-bomb snack, you’ll know where to spend your hard-earned cash and satisfy your cholesterol cravings, and you’ll have us to thank.

I think I’ll keep the french fries on the front seat as long as possible.  They make a good souvenir, and of course, I never know when I’ll need an emergency snack.

Enjoy!

3 thoughts on “thanking God for french fries”

  1. Well, I could have saved you both the trip around town and told you that Burger King’s fries rock! I’m actually not a big burger-fry person (not sure how I could have grown up in America not liking burgers!). But, I think Burger King’s fries are crispy and tasty! Though Arbies curly fries are a family favorite around here as well. 🙂 Sounds like a fun evening for you and Will.

    1. Thanks, Dale. You and Will obviously took this project seriously and for that we are all the better off. However, if you will allow me to add a side note to this whole French Fry fiasco, by giving to your readers my personal rating of the #1, all time champion late night gut-bomb snack, which only the most professional of late night gut-bomb snackers should participate in. In a far away land, far from the quiet, peaceful town of Greeley, there is a City by the water, the City of Angels to be exact. Forget the wimpy french fry snack, forget the childish McDonald’s double cheeseburger, in fact, you might want to leave Will at home if you ever partake of this item, as it will take a fully developed digestive tract to get through it. In the 1970’s, while visiting Dale and Dorothy Davis’ half way house for wayward preachers, late at night I would find myself inexplicably drawn to go outside, whereupon I would immediately be hit with the tantalizing smell of the intended late night, gut-bomb snack in the world. Across the street, in a little hut at the curb was the late night haven for many an unsuspecting soul. I would find myself walking over to the hut to find 3 Vietnamese Sailors (that is my own studied conclusion) sweating and constantly arguing with one another, flipping a concoction of hamburger ( we hope), oniions, chili and other sundries. This is the infamous Tommy Burger empire and when served, it is a mass of bun, dripping chili, grease, onions and meat, all having the potential power to not only bomb the gut, but to nuke it, annihilating it with an explosion of gastric reactions that defy description. Ah yes, the Tommy Burger is the epitome of late night snacks, the kind that lasts all night and on into the following day. Then, about 4 days later, we do it all over again.

      1. Bob T – You definitely have my vote for the ultimate late-night gut-bomb! Tommy’s wins hands down for the mother of all gut-bombs. And the fries! Oh, the fries!

        I’ve been to that specific location many times and stood against the wall by the shack with the other patrons happily bombing my gut with the magic that is a basket of Tommy’s chili-burgers and chili-fries. Man! That will give you a craving!

        But, alas, that’s a thousand miles away and years behind. Soon. Maybe. Soon.

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