I know that Paul says all that stuff about being content in every circumstance, and I’m okay with that. My circumstances are generally acceptable.
Paul also says, though, in other places and in other ways, things about pressing on and striving and travailing and beseeching (at least in the KJV language) and those aren’t very contented words.
So, I’ve tried to figure out how to be content and not be content at the same time. Along the way, I’ve realized that whether I can figure it out or not, I’m already doing it. I am a highly contented malcontent. You might say that I’m contently discontented, if those are real words and if they can be used like that.
I’m generally content with what we’ve got, the way we live, and the circumstances, realizing that any or all of that is subject to change without notice, and I’m always willing to accept more but seldom willing to passionately pursue it. I’m crabby, though, in several ways, and I’m generally driven to poke and prod at all of the boundaries I see, both self-imposed and world-imposed. In that way, I’m generally discontented.
Somehow these can be reconciled, can’t they? This is good, right?
My friend, KJ, tells me that I write about this often. I guess he’s right, but I think it’s been longer than that, so I feel justified that it’s high time to hit this topic again.
Can I get a witness up in here, please?
I want more – not more stuff, just more life, more Jesus, more beauty, more assurance that I’m not wasting my time. Precious time.
The problem is that I’m dying. I’ll be 42 in no time flat, and that’s just plain scary. I think that death makes us nervous like long-tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs. We’re rushing toward this uncertain deadline and fairly sure that we haven’t finished the prep for it. We haven’t done enough, or seen enough, or been to enough places.
I’m running out of time. Time is precious. That makes me a malcontent, I guess.
How do you feel about it?